I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
