She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
