to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
