Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
