genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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