Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
