I'm sorry my penis didn't work
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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