No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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