Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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