I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
