You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
