Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
