Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
