this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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