dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
