Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
barbara walters just said penis...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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