I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
