it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize