I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
