If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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