just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
