You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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