Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
