Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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