There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
