so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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