sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
