No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
