i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
