Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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