omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
