If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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