This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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