last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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