You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
