I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
