I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
