Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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