I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
If I had your ass I would rule the world
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
