I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
