i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize