I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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