I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
