I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
