did you get engaged???
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
