We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
