I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
