haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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