The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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