Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize