i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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