She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
cat food counts as protein by the way
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize