I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
