Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
